This isn't how it's meant to be
by TheyAreInMyLibrary
Summary: "This is all my fault, isn't it? I was the one driving that car, I was the one who didn't keep my eyes on the road, I was the one who didn't see that patch of ice, so… Long story short, it's my fault." Rated T just to be safe - I didn't know whether this was on a K or T level, so I decided to play it safe.


_Title: This isn't how it's meant to be_

 _Rating: T (just to be safe - I didn't really know whether this was on a K+ or T level so I decided to play it safe)_

 _Warnings: Major character death, some swearing_

 _Notes: Humanized because I find that easier to write in this case. Title taken from I've Got To Find A Way - extended version, because that's kind of the angstiest thing in the entire show. English isn't my native language so I apologise for any bad grammar/general stuff._

 **A/N: Before anyone asks I just want to say that no, I haven't abandoned my DW fanfic Going To War. Though I currently suffer from some really bad writer's block, so I've taken a really short break from that fic. I'm going to try and update it as soon as I can, though.**

 **So basically otpprompts on Tumblr came up with a prompt (I'll post it at the end of this fanfic because it kind of spoils the plot) and I decided to write a one-shot based on it. Afterwards I felt like I'd given birth to a monster. (Really, it's the first time I've written something this angsty and right now I'm like "What have I done?!") Anyway, for some reason I decided to post it here so you guys can suffer too! Aren't I a nice girl? :) (Long story short this is soul-destroying angst. Enjoy.)**

 **(If you like listening to music while reading I listened to My Immortal by Evanescence while writing this. It really helps setting the mood.)**

 **DISCLAIMER: If I owned MLP:FiM Flutterdash would have become canon long ago. Basically; I own nothing.**

It feels like this is the first nice day in ages. The last few weeks it's been raining constantly, and it's been _cold;_ the ground has been frozen almost every morning (that's why she's here, indirectly, though she tries not to think about that). It's as if spring had decided to sleep in this year. Today the air is warm, though, and the sun has been shining from a clear blue sky all day. But as Rainbow Dash walks down the street towards the cemetery dark clouds are beginning to appear above the city skyline, and a cold wind is finding its way inside her thin, light blue jacket. She shudders as she wraps her arms around herself - carefully, so that she wont crush the flower in her hand - trying to get warm, but really, she's happy it's getting colder. The nice weather feels extremely wrong on a day like this; the only real ray of sunshine in this world is gone, so why should the sun have any right to shine now?

The others asked her if she wanted them to come with her, but she said no. As much as she appreciates their help while going through this, she needs to do this one thing on her own. There are things she needs to say that she doesn't want the others to hear, not because they wouldn't understand - because they would; she's certain about it - but because it's something she doesn't want _anyone_ to know. They didn't ask her why she wanted to do it on her own, they just nodded and then didn't talk about it anymore; apart from a "Just tell us if there's anything we can do, darling" from Rarity, and a hug from each one of them. They really are the best friends Rainbow could possibly have wished for.

The big, black iron gates look like something from a horror movie - one of those she loves watching. She got 'Shy to watch one with her once, but the older girl just hid underneath a blanket throughout the entire - _no. Don't think about that now,_ Rainbow scolds herself as she slowly puts her hand on the cold metal handle and pushes it down. The gate creaks as she opens it, then closes it behind her. Her eyes immediately start looking for the particular gravestone she's here to visit, even though she really doesn't want to see it at all. Until now she's been able to deny it; act as if the accident never happened and everything is fine. But she knows that once she sees the gravestone she'll have reached the point of no return. She won't be able to deny it anymore. But she has to do this. She just has to. She owes 'Shy that.

So when she finally finds it, underneath an old oak, she forces herself to walk over to it despite the increasing pain in her chest. She forces herself to ignore the fact that she just wants to turn around and run away. When she's finally standing in front of the gravestone the clouds have already covered the sun, and it feels like the cold is underneath her skin. But maybe that's not just the wind, after all. She bites her lip as she looks at the name on the stone, trying her very best not to just collapse on the ground. She should put the flower on the stone now, but she can't bring herself to do it. It just feels so definitive, and she's… She's not ready. Instead, she finds herself clearing her throat.

"So… Um…" She brushes a strand of rainbow coloured hair out of her eyes, trying to figure out what to say. "Here we are. You and I. Didn't think we'd end up here, to be honest." She laughs, without any happiness in her laughter. "I… I really don't know what to say. Like, what do you even say when you're at a… at a grave? Should I be doing some speech about how much you mean to me and stuff? I mean, I didn't come to the funeral - I just couldn't do it, sorry - so I guess I should do the kind of thing they'd have expected me to do there." The shadow of a smile touches her face. "I don't… I don't know if I can do that, actually. But really, you mean a lot to me. You've kind of saved my life. Emotionally. I was really alone when we met, so… Yeah. You saved me. And I'm so sorry I couldn't… save you." She holds back a sob. A cold raindrop lands on her shoulder. "This is all my fault, isn't it? I was the one driving that goddamn car, I was the one who didn't keep my eyes on the road, I was the one who didn't see that patch of ice, so…" This time she can't stop the sob from escaping her lips, and she can't stop the single tear from running down her cheek. She angrily wipes it away. "Long story short, it's my fault. And this is so ironic because I hardly even got hurt. A broken arm, a concussion, screwed up my ribs a little bit. Got the bandages removed from my arm yesterday. I hardly have any scars. But they couldn't sodding get you out alive, could they?" She pauses. Takes a deep breath. Continues; "I'm sorry… God, 'Shy, I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve this. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met, you're so sweet and kind and I'm a fucking cliche but I need to say this, okay? I… I just need to tell you this, even if it's useless and you can't really hear me and all that shit." At this point she's really crying, she's sobbing, there are tears on her cheeks that she doesn't even care to wipe away anymore. And it's really raining now; cold drops falling from the sky and slowly soaking the world. _How cheesy._ She can hardly speak anymore, but there's one more thing she has to say. "And… Yeah, you'll never find out, but… There's one more thing. It's even more cliche, but I… I was in love with you, Fluttershy. Still am. I was too scared to tell you, which is kinda ridiculous, I mean, considering how many other things I'm not afraid to do…" She knows she's rambling, but she has to, or she won't be able to continue. "But I'm in love with you, and I really wish I could have told you to your face, but I was… I was such a chicken. Sorry." And then she breaks down completely, crying her eyes out, doubling over in pain her hands on her stomach. She can't handle this anymore, it hurts, _it hurts so much, take it away, please, just take it away._

After what feels like ages she stands up straight again. The rain is increasing as she slowly, one painful step at a time, walks over to the gravestone. She puts her hand on it. It's so cold. She slowly, gently, places the flower on top of it. It's a beautiful flower. A rose, a pink one; the same colour as Fluttershy's long, beautiful hair. She would have liked it. That single thought is like a knife in Rainbow's heart. "Angel says hi" she whispers. "He misses you. But I'll take care of him for you, don't worry. We'll be fine, all of us." She gently caresses the cold stone, takes a deep, shaky breath. "Goodbye, Fluttershy."

Then she stands up, slowly. It hurts so much, everything hurts. And then she turns around, walks away. By the time she reaches the iron gates the rain is already pouring.

 **Feedback and/or constructive criticism is welcome as always :) The prompt I used for this was "Person A dies in a tragic accident with Person B nearby. Person B visits their grave and tearfully apologizes."**


End file.
